The End is Only a New Beginning

I began to hit delete on a few previous posts that I had made, but after deleting one I realized that I didn't want to. I am not ashamed of my past and I, no matter how hard I try, will never be able to make the past disappear. I am no longer engaged, but I will not hide it from the world anymore. There was a time where I did not want to tell people. Not because I was secretly hoping we could work things out, but rather because I felt that it was not anyone's business. I was in a relationship for five and a half years and engaged for two of those years. We split up shortly after our two year anniversary of being engaged. Things did not end badly, they simply just ended. Although he was the first to say he didn't want us anymore, I was in immediate agreement. He and I both had not been happy with how our relationship was going and it wasn't fair to "settle". If we went through with getting married we would have both been settling for things that we did not want. There is no hatred or resentment, we still respect each other and will try to be friends. We both, one-hundred percent, deserve someone who will make us happy and now we have that chance. It's sad that I was not the one who was able to make him happy, but that's okay. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person or that he's a bad person, it simply means that we were not right for each other. I have written the last page of my story with him and now it's time to start a new story by myself. The end is only a new beginning for me.

Where Has Time Gone?

I used to think that time went so slowly that everyday seemed to last forever. Now that I have gotten older I realize that time is the complete opposite. It goes by so fast. I have been in college for three years now, well almost three. I'm finishing up my Junior semester and will finally be a senior! How crazy is that! I feel like just yesterday I was a freshman just entering college for the first time. I'm actually sad that time is flying by. This semester has been the greatest yet, I have four classes that I love and that I'm doing extremely well in! I don't want them to end. I just filled out my end of the semester teacher evaluations and it's bittersweet. I am happy to be continuing on in my education, but there's a part of me that just wants to stay in this semester forever. But, unfortunately I know that time will not stop for anyone and I think I will be okay with that. I will continue on throughout my life and learn to live every minute because one day those minutes will be gone.

Not Everything Comes Naturally Anymore

Abstract and Discrete Mathematics...what in the world does that even mean? You would think I would have even the slightest clue seeing as how I am enrolled in that class, but I don't. It's over half way through my first semester of junior year in college and I am beginning to notice that not everything comes naturally to me like it did in previous classes and especially in high school. Math was always one of my strongest areas in school, but now I feel like I can't even grab one concept in this new math class.   It's only going to get harder from here and I don't know what I'm going to do. Going to the teacher for help is like asking for the whole class lecture over again. If I didn't understand the lesson the first time, I'm not going to get it a second time, especially when you don't change the wording of your explanation. There would never be enough paper in this world to write how much this class frustrates me! I loved math and my whole life most everything in school has come very easily to me. I guess that's why I am so frustrated now, I never had to work hard for a good grade and now I have to fight tooth and claw for a "C", if I'm lucky.

Saying Goodbye

I've been old enough to say goodbye once before, but this time I feel that something's different. Every goodbye is the start of a new beginning. My new beginning will consist of a new home. A place to hang my hat and make new memories. I have mixed feeling about the move. I moved twice before, but the first time was at age 2 and the second at age 14. I was able to comprehend what moving was all about and although I was only moving three miles down the road I was thrilled to be in a new house! This time I'm 20 and I don't know what to feel. I feel like this home made a lot of memories for me. Some good. Some bad. My dog, Dakota, passed away in this house, but yet I met my fiancé while living in this house. It's all just so confusing. I don't have to worry about having to change schools or anything since I'm in college and I'm only moving 15 minutes away. It seems all hunky dory but I just don't know what I'm feeling at this moment. The realtor is about to show up at my house, literally she will be here in 4 minutes. The house will be listed and sold as soon as possible. Maybe that's why I am feeling this way. Maybe it's because I haven't had too much time to get used to the idea? Don't get me wrong i am excited to live in a new home, but I think I just need more time for it to sink in that I will not be coming back to this house that I live in now. Time heals all wounds.

My Best Friend

  His last few minutes <3 

           I don't even know where to begin. This is not going to be like the other posts, it's actually about a dog that I had gotten when I was 6 years old. He was a Golden Retriever named Dakota. Dakota was always a big family dog with a heart of gold. Maybe that's why they have "gold" in their name. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Breast Cancer when I was in 5th grade and Dakota was the first to know that anything was wrong. He never left my mom's side and when she would leave the house Dakota would cry until she got back home. It seems that he always had a 6th sense and knew if anything was wrong, even if I was locked in my room, crying, he would come wait at my door until I let him in and cried to him telling him what was wrong. I know dog's don't understand English, but I am 100% positive that Dakota always knew what I was talking about. Throughout my mom's battles with cancer (She got diagnosed when I was 3 months old and has relapsed 5 times) Dakota was the one I confided in and cried to when I didn't know if I was going to lose my mom or not. Dakota always knew how to comfort me and about two years before he got sick and passed away of cancer he would always lay by my bedroom door. If I left the house, Dakota would go up the stairs and lay in front of my door as if he was protecting it. If I was in my room, Dakota would be in my room with me, laying in front of the door, once again like he was protecting me and my room from any danger. After two years of this, I got used to feeling very safe and protected. And up until the day he got sick, even with his bad hips, he would struggle up the stairs to be with me and protect me. He sometimes would miss a step and fall down the stairs, but only to get up and try again. I always told Dakota my fears and worries and he always made them disappear. Just looking into his eyes, he would tell me that everything would be okay. That nothing was ever going to hurt me because he was always looking after me. On May 10, 2010 I had to make the hardest decision that I will ever make in my lifetime. The decision between keeping my best friend on this earth or letting him go to heaven where he could finally be free of all his pain. Dakota had cancer and it was only 24 hours before we put him down that he started to show any signs of pain. I feel as though he was holding off showing any pain because he didn't want to leave me. I know that Dakota would never let me be put in harms way and he knew that when it was his time to go live with the Heavenly Father that I would be safe. He knew that I was strong enough to go through life without him. Dakota knew that Patrick would be there to keep me safe, he was a human version of Dakota. It's like the Heavenly Father sent Patrick to me so that when it was Dakota's time to go, I would feel like I had a piece of Dakota in Patrick. Dakota knew that Patrick would take care of me, just as Dakota did when he walked this earth by my side. My mother was diagnosed once again in October of 2010 and I couldn't believe that Dakota had left me. I didn't think I could make it through my mother's cancer without him, after all throughout every one of my mother's cancers I only had Dakota. I never had another human to help me through the tough times. I realized that Dakota really did know best, he knew that Patrick was going to take care of me. And he did. I made it through her cancer and I have made it three years without Dakota, but sadly each day that passes doesn't get easier and tonight is a prime example of that. I miss Dakota just as much as I did leaving the vet's office after letting Dakota go. I feel an overwhelming sense that something is wrong. I feel that Dakota knows something and he is coming to me, trying to warn me. Trying to protect me. I don't know what's wrong, if anything, but it's nights like these that I know Dakota is still right by my side every step of the way. This is by far the hardest post I will ever write and I sit here writing it, tears running down my face, his collar in hand and cuddled up with Dakota's favorite stuffed animal, 'goosey'. Although Dakota is now living with the Heavenly Father, he is still living forever in my heart and forever walking by my side through thick and thin, helping me overcome any obstacle that is thrown in my way. I miss you and love you, Dakota. Rest easy my love.

Dakota - 10 years old 

Dakota - 10 years old 

Dakota - 7 years old  

A Night to Never Forget

As I stood in line waiting to buy tickets with Patrick, my now fiancé, I couldn't wait for the night to come. Senior Prom was just around the corner and I was determined for it to be the best night ever. The day approached and as I was sitting next to my best friend my dad called saying that he was going to get Patrick, my best friend, her boyfriend, and me a limo! I couldn't believe that he could find one such last minute, but at that point I didn't care, I couldn't wait! I left school early to get my hair and makeup done and as the time came for the limo to arrive, Patrick came over with his father to take pictures. The limo came and we were brought to the hotel. The night started off great! Patrick's mother, Aunt, and Mémère came to take pictures and we proceeded to get professional pictures taken. The night went by so quickly and although I was tired and couldn't wait to get my heels off and put on my comfy pajamas, I didn't want the night to end. But, like everything there has to be an ending. I got to go to prom with my best friend and boyfriend (at the time), what more could I ask for?!

Dreams Really Do Come True

           In Disney World they say dreams come true. That is simple not reality. My dreams came true in my sophomore year of high school. 15 years old and wanting that one guy to come along and love me forever. Little did I know that March 28, 2009 would be the day that changed my life forever. Only three years later did I know that my dreams had come true when he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I knew then that I had to have been the luckiest girl alive and still am.